


Make this chaos count

by FangirlftShipper



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Angst, BYU - Freeform, College AU, Drama, First Kiss, Internalized Homophobia, It's dramatic and sad but it has a good ending, M/M, Roomates, also they're a little ooc, they dance to jazz music at some point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-03 01:13:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13330353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FangirlftShipper/pseuds/FangirlftShipper
Summary: "It's lonely here without you."Title is from a Sleeping at last song.





	Make this chaos count

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr user fippogrox asked for the prompt "It's lonely here without you" With McPriceley and i don't know how that turned into this angsty mess but i kind of like it a lot.

The room was cold.

Connor tried focusing on that, the trembling of his hands, the chattering of his teeth, the sound of the rain outside, the little strings of water that ran down the window next to his bed.

Anything to get Kevin Price out of his head.

“You’re going to get sick.” Said Christopher, his new roommate. “Why don’t you turn the heating on already?”

He didn’t answer, maybe if he pretended to be asleep Chris would stop asking questions, he was tired of questions.

_Why didn’t you come down to eat with everyone else today?_

_Why did you lock yourself in the bathroom?_

_Why do you have so many nightmares?_

_Why do you look so sad?_

_What’s wrong?_

He didn’t have a solid answer for those questions.

_“Because I am sad. Because I’m confused and I’m hurting and I don’t want to see anybody. Because it’s my fault, because he’s gone, because I want to leave this place. Because I miss him, because I shouldn’t, because I’m a sinner.”_

He couldn’t say all of those things to Chris, he didn’t have the energy to explain or justify anything.

His roommate finally sighed before turning off his reading light, praying, and going to sleep.

Connor remembered the peace and security that praying had brought him at some point of his life, now he couldn’t even think of what to say.

At the beginning of the year everything seemed to be going the way it should be. He got into BYU, enrolled in interesting classes and knew what he wanted with his life: a mission, a family, and a nice calm life somewhere in Utah.

Then he met his first roommate, Kevin Price, and everything changed drastically.

He appeared to want everything Connor wanted and more, he was smart, ambitious, over-achieving and had a bright future ahead of him.

The only problem was that Connor liked him way more than he should have.

He realized this after months of being oblivious to the strange warmth he sometimes felt when thinking of his friend, figuring it out was one of the most terrifying experiences he had felt in his life, the words of his own school’s honor code dancing around his head.

_"Any behaviors that indicate homosexual conduct, including those not sexual in nature, are inappropriate and violate the Honor Code."_

He had promised himself he wouldn’t act on his feelings, that was the least he could do right? It was a solid plan, many Mormons did it.

That plan had been broken not long after establishing it, on a day not too different from this one, grey, cold and with pouring rain outside of his dorm.

* * *

 

They were listening to some old jazz CD and doing homework, which was nothing new for them. Kevin had a thing for jazz and Connor didn’t mind it as long as it wasn’t too loud.

“You know what? This is boring, I’m bored, let’s do something.” Kevin said closing his English text book and getting up from his small wooden desk.

“I really need to finish this essay, Kev. Give me half an hour.” But Kevin was pouting, and he was already trying to pull Connor from his chair.

“I don’t have half an hour, I’m dying of boredom, I might actually die right now Connor, you need to do something about it. Plus it’s a Sunday so technically you shouldn’t be doing homework.”

He sighed, letting his roommate pull him up from his seat.

“It’s almost seven and we have school tomorrow, what are you even planning on doing?”

Kevin didn’t let go of his hands.

“Dancing.”

“No way” He was already twirling Connor around. “You’re crazy.”

“It’s fun, you need to loosen up. All you’ve done all week is study and worry about tests.”

“And you should too, we’ve got like…three coming up next week.”

“I never worry about tests and I pass them anyway, so shut up and dance.” Connor smiled. “No, that is not a _Walk the moon_ reference, stop smirking.”

And suddenly they were laughing, twirling around their small dorm and closer than what either of them usually were.

Kevin stopped when the music did, and looked at him with those bright brown eyes of his with a curiosity of sorts.

He dropped Connor’s hands softly and the ginger felt nervous all of a sudden, watching as Kevin turned around and closed the curtains of their only window.

“What are you-“

“Tell me to stop.” He said, cutting him off and grabbing his cheeks tenderly, Kevin was too ruthless to be tender, which only made Connor more confused.

“Kevin.” That was the only word he could think of right now, when the boy he had been dreaming of, or rather having hell dreams of, was caressing his cheeks as if he was a precious object.

“Tell me to stop.” He repeated, softer and quieter this time.

When Kevin’s lips touched his everything he had been repressing turned on, as if his friend had just pressed a button.

It was intoxicating, everything felt more sensitive than ever and something as simple as the touch of Kevin’s hands on the sides of his head was enough to make him slightly dizzy.

He broke the kiss, breathing a little bit erratically and awkwardly pinching his pants with his hands, not knowing what to do with them. Kevin moved his hands to his shoulders, looking at him as if he was waiting for the words he had asked but not hoped for.

“We shouldn’t.” He said before leaning to kiss him this time.

Kevin moaned and Connor moved his hands up Kevin’s chest, needing to move or to touch or to do something to usher away the tingling that took charge of his body.

They didn’t talk about it.

They went to class the next day, got back, studied, and did everything that they usually did, except that now they kissed and now they closed the curtains and checked the lock in the door twice.

With time, Kevin seemed happier, Connor guiltier.

“How are you okay with this?” He asked quietly one night, toying with his blanket and thanking that everything was dark so Kevin couldn’t see the tracks of tears on his cheeks.

“Are you _not_ okay with it?”

“I don’t know.”

Kevin didn’t say anything for a little bit, the only sound was that of their breathing and the ruffle of blankets as Kevin moved to seat rather than lay on his bed.

“You should’ve told me, I would never- I wouldn’t have done anything if you were uncomfortable with it.”

“No, it’s not that I’m… I like you. I know I do, I’m sure, but… I feel so guilty. We could get expelled, you know that? I can’t stop dreaming horrible things or feeling like I’m doing something wrong. Like _i'm_ wrong”

There was another short period of silence, and then Kevin broke it again.

“Would you feel guilty if I was a woman?”

“No.”

“And would you feel the same way about me if I was? A woman I mean.”

That caused a few more tears to roll down his face.

“No.”

“Then it’s not us who are wrong. It’s them for making us believe that it is.”

Kevin kneeled before his bed.

“I’ve been thinking about this, Con, and I realized it’s all bullshit.”

“Kevin-“

“No, no. Hear me out. We don’t really know what comes after life, it’s all pure speculation.” Connor was shocked that Kevin, who swore and lived for and by the church, was saying this. “Why should I live all my life being afraid of something that maybe doesn’t exist? Why should I believe that my feelings are not valid or wrong only because some old book says it?”

“Stop it.”

“Come on. You know it’s true, you feel this, it doesn’t feel wrong, does it?”

“But-“

“No. I’m not letting someone dictate how I should feel, not anymore.”

_This is wrong, Kevin is wrong, he shouldn’t be saying this, I shouldn’t listen, I should tell the dean, or the bishop, I should-_

“And you know what, Connor? I love you. And I don’t want to feel guilty about it.”

“That’s not fair, Kevin.”

“It’s the truth.”

“Stop it.” They were both crying now, silently and in the dark, which was how they did things recently.

“Leave me alone.”

Kevin attempted to grab his hand and Connor put it away with an aggression that was uncharacteristic for the boy.

He heard Kevin go back to his bed, and he faced the wall determined to put all of this to an end tomorrow.

As soon as the sun was up, Connor was gone.

* * *

 

It was painful to think about what he had done next, so Connor turned for a few minutes, trying to sleep even though he was aware it wasn’t going to happen.

He checked his phone, it was almost two A.M and he was certain that Kevin was still awake, because he always was. He never understood where that boy got his energy from.

He lingered on his texts, reading the name once, twice, three times until he finally tapped it and was met with their old messages.

The last one was Kevin’s.

“I’m not mad, please pick up.”

It was from two months ago.

He spent a while listening to the rain and hoping for some kind of divine intervention that would stop him from writing a text to him.

It never came.

**_“It’s lonely here without you.”_ **

It only took a couple of seconds to notice the two blue marks and the “Online” at the bottom of Kevin’s name.

“You were the one who got me expelled, though. So that isn’t my fault.”

His chest hurt.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be, I was going to leave anyway.”

“Still, I’m sorry. I didn’t want your parents to get mad at you.”

“Mad is an understatement. But I don’t regret anything.”

“You were right.”

“About what?”

“It is bullshit.”

“I’m glad I could help you figure it out.”

He lingered, staring at the send button and biting his cheeks.

“I miss you.”

Kevin took a couple of minutes to respond to this.

“I miss you too. A lot.”

Connor locked his phone, expecting the conversation to end.

His screen lighted up.

“Can I call you?”

“My roommate is sleeping.”

“Oh.”

“Let me get out of here.”

He put on the first jacket he found and a pair of old vans that were laying near his bed, and took the stairs down, phone in hand and excuses in mind just in case he needed one to get away from campus for a while.

He ended up in a park near the school, soaked from the drizzle that was still present when he first left his dorm.

He dialed Kevin’s number from memory, breathing heavily and not having a clue about what he would say to him.

But he didn’t pick up.

He rang three times, growing desperate with every ring and every _“This is Kevin Price and I’m too busy doing something incredible, leave a message!”_

He threw his phone to his side of the bench and sighed, putting his face in his hands.

“You look terrible.”

He jumped.

Kevin was, of course, staring down at him, dry and looking as sharp as ever.

“You scared me.” He said after his heart slowed down and the tightness of his throat disappeared. “How did you know where I was?”

“It’s the only logical place you would go if you wanted to privately talk on the phone with someone at two A.M. everything else is either closed or too far.”

“Right.” He sighed.

Kevin sat at his side, wincing at the wet wood of the bench.

“How are you?”

Connor laughed out of pure bitterness.

“Worse than what I look. You?”

“The same, actually. My parents are so passive aggressive with me and it’s incredible how quickly Mormons turn on you as soon as you stop being one of them.” Connor wanted to say sorry again, but knowing Kevin, that would only annoy him. “But I finally found an acceptable apartment, so I’m moving soon.”

“Oh, that’s… that’s great, Kevin. I’m happy for you.”

Silence, uncomfortable, lingering silence.

“It makes me sick to see you this sad, Con. You need to leave that place.”

“I will… as soon as the semester ends.”

“Oh.” Kevin seemed surprised. “Hey, that’s good right? It’s progress.” He smiled with tenderness that was reserved for Connor and the ginger nearly broke down at how much he had missed that smile.

“I’m also going to therapy now. To uhm, to stop feeling guilty about… you know.”

“That’s great, I’m very proud of you.”

Kevin slid his hand closer to Connor’s tentatively.

“Can i?”

Wordlessly, they held hands and stared at the wet grass, and the grey sky, and the way the air made the trees move softly.

“I should really get you to your dorm, you’re going to get hypothermia if you don’t change clothes.”

“Not yet.” He said, as if he wasn’t freezing down to his bones. “I still need to ask why you didn’t tell anyone about… me, I also engaged in inappropriate behavior and I also broke the rules and you didn’t say anything.”

“I thought it was clear that i… cared about you. And I didn’t want you to get in trouble or admit something that you weren’t ready to face.”

He squeezed Kevin’s hand.

“I’m such an idiot.”

“Yes, you didn’t bring an umbrella.”

He chuckled, Kevin was being infuriatingly understanding and kind. He usually wasn’t, but apparently his usual ways didn’t apply to anything that had to do with Connor.

“I love you, too.” He said quietly after a while. “Sorry, I just needed to reply. I didn’t that day.”

Kevin squeezed his hand back.

“Come on, I don’t want you getting sick.”

Kevin got an Uber and they waited, holding hands and saying absolutely nothing.

When the Uber got there, Kevin pulled him up like he did when he wanted to dance, and just hugged him.

“This is a mess. We’re a mess.” Whispered Connor, tightly holding onto Kevin’s shoulders.

“We are. But let’s make it matter, let’s not waste more time.”

Connor nodded, and let Kevin caress his face for a few seconds before getting into the car.

He only had to wait until the end of the semester to sit in the dean’s office and tell him the truth.

He only had to wait until the end of the semester to tell him everything (and say for the first time out loud that he was gay), only had to wait until the end of the semester to dance with Kevin Price again, only had to wait until the end of the semester to be able to stop turning off the lights, or to be quiet, or to close the curtains.

Just a little bit more, and he could start being free.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> Come have fun with me on tumblr: http://fangirlftshipper.tumblr.com/
> 
> Comments are much appreciated (and i respond to every single one of them. <3)


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